My Star

There you were

Up in the sky

Without any effort

You caught my eye!

The most Beautiful,

Brightest, Perfect STAR

I said to myself

I know who you are!

It was not hard to see

From watching you shine

With pride up above

And God by your side.

You are my Angel

So bright and so true

Without any pause

I made a wish upon you!

I wish you to know

Each time my tears flow

That I want you to use them

To blossom and grow.

So one day when it's time

You and I both can shine!

In the same big blue sky

TOGETHER shall be mine!

4 Years

Dear Gracie,

4 years on.

The pain is still raw.

Mommy still wonder...

Why can't you be with us?

Why do we have to end up this way?

Will you forgive Mommy for making the decision for you?

Will I ever forget you?

... ...

Gabby Jie Jie

Dearest Gracie,

Today, Gabby Jie Jie cried terribly in school.

She told teacher that she missed you badly and felt very sad.

Jie Jie always thought about you & asked why can't you be with us.

Mommy has no answer for her....

But one thing I know is that you are always in our hearts.

Love,

Mommy

In Memory of Princess Gracielle

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a series of your ultrasound scans.
Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.
Even though my days are frenzied, I know you are our angel from above.

Dearest Gracielle,

It's been 3 years since you left us....

There's never been a day Mommy has stop thinking of you. I have not forgotten what we have went through at the hospital 3 years ago...hoping for last miracles just before the ops, how much pain to part with you....These are still vividly playing back in my mind.

Daddy always asked Mommy, he wonders how our lives would be if you are with us? Having 2 princesses bouncing around us.

Gabby JieJie has never fail to include you whenever she's counting the kids in the family.

We hope you are well and keeping GongGong & PorPor company. Last year this day, GOD sent you a pressie, that's our beloved GongGong. His funeral was on your anniversary day. Mommy was again in deep pain that day. Much later,, Mommy found solace to think that GongGong was joining PorPor n you. I am sure you are enjoying their unconditional love...

Remembering you on this special day!

Love,

Daddy, Mommy & Gabby JieJie

For My Unborn Child

I never got to see your face
But in my heart, you hold a special place
And for that, I would never be the same

I'll never hear you laugh or cry
Or hold you in my arms tenderly
But I will still love you endlessly

I never got to hold you hand
I never got to sing you a lullaby
I will never come to understand
Why murderers run free and innocent souls die

I'll always have my suspicions
Why it must happened to you
All these unanswered questions
That would burn inside of me

Forever saddened upon this Earth
Crying for you, my unborn child
Never blessed by your birth.
But I’ll be here, unable to smile

You are my shining light in heaven
For one of angels to love
Until I get my wings to descend
She’ll take care of you, for me, in Heaven above

You’ll be my Guiding Light to Heaven’s Gate
Where I’ll get to see your Angelic Smile
And even if I never got to see your face
I’ll know in an instant that you are my unborn child!

My Dearest Gracielle,

How time flies... it's exactly a year since you left us. Many things have changed within this year... Por2 had passed on to take care of you in heaven. For which Momma is assured that you are no longer alone. I hope you are not giving Por2 a hard time, be a good girl, ok? Momma want to tell you that I've never forget what we've been thru a year ago at the operating theatre. Just as I thought I will be able to cope on your 1st anniversary, I realised that the pain is still raw. Whatever happened a year ago, from the moment I've received news about the complication of the pregnancy till the moment I was put under GA...everything comes back into my mind...vividly. We hope that you will be a happy angel and keep por2 company.

Daddy, Momma & Jie2 miss you dearly!

Thinking of You

Dearest Gracie,

Today, Gabby & I took a coach up to KL. Gabby was looking up into the sky for so long. Momma asked her what was she looking at and her reply was "I am thinking of Yi Ting...."
So am I, dear....

Family

Yi Xian Jie2 said... "Daddy, Mommy, Yi Xian & Yi Ting...We are a family!"

Yes, we are indeed a family! My dear Yi Ting, even though we are far apart, you are part of our family. This will never change!

Love,
Momma!

49th Day Anniversary

Our Dearest Gracielle!

Today is the 49th day after your passing, Daddy & Momma took off to remember you this day. We hope you are well taken care of in heaven. We want to let you know that since you left us, we have been thinking of you every single day, including Gabrielle Jie2. You have always been included in our routine goodnite kisses & hugs & this will remains forever.

To honour you, we've set off 3 balloons, each carried our love & messages to you. We hope you've received it.

Love & Hugs....Daddy, Momma & Jie2

Brave

Gabby Jie: Momma, our Yi Ting is a brave girl hor?
Momma: Yes, she is! She's alone in the sky watching us.
Gabby: I love Yi Ting & you, Momma.
Momma: Yes, I love you & Yi Ting, too!

The Shining Star

As I look up to the sky

I really wonder why

We had to let you go

But I know where you are

When I look out for

And see your shining star

There you are, and there you'll stay

Shining in the milky way

Far, far out of reach

If I could have had a few last words

Speech would have left me like a flight of birds

I wouldn't have known what to say

You'll always have a place, a part

Deep inside my troubled heart

Where you'll never leave

Playmates

Dearest Yi Ting,

Momma had a good cry tonight, was thinking of you & couldn't stop crying....

I wonder if you are lonely up there? Uncle Helmy & Aunty Ann told Momma that they have told Aiman & Ransel gor2 to take care of you. I hope they did.

Momma cannot stop thinking of you everyday!

宝贝- Dearest...

奕婷宝贝，

奕娴姐姐告诉妈妈....奕婷是姐姐的宝贝.
妈妈回答姐姐...奕婷是我们大家的宝贝！

Dearest Gracielle,

Gabrielle Jie2 told Momma.... Gracielle is her dearest.
Momma replied... Gracielle is everyone's dearest!

You are our dearest and you will have a special place in our hearts!

Can't Stop Thinking of You

Our dearest Gracielle,

It's been one month since you left us Daddy, Momma & Jie2, we hope that you are fine in heaven. There must be a lot of friends to play with you!

Daddy, Momma & even Jie2 never stop thinking of you. Each night when Momma & Jie2 walk home, we looked up the sky to search for you. Jie2 even said "Hello" & "Love Yi Ting", did you hear that? On rainy days, you'd be blocked by rain clouds and we went home with disappointment.

Jie2 told Daddy one night: "Daddy, our Yi Ting is in the sky you know? I never get to see her already" Both Daddy & Momma were sadden by her words... Yes, we'll never to see you.

Tonight, Jie2 told Momma that she don't want you to be in the sky. Momma's tears rolled and told her that Yi Ting will be in our heart.

We love you, Yi Ting!

New Year

Dearest Gracie,

It's a new year today and Darrion Gor2 has arrived. Holding him in my arms makes me feel that I'm holding you. At least a little bit comfort for me......

Gabrielle Jie2's Love

Dearest Gracielle,

Gabrielle Jie2 asked Momma where were you & Momma told her that you have gone to somewhere far far away. She asked where, Momma told her that you are now the brightest star in the sky. Gabrielle Jie2 was upset about my reply and said she wanted you to be with her...

Momma also wants you to be with us too!

Momma Saw You!

Gracielle,

Momma saw your pic at the clinic yesterday. How I wish I could hold you in my arms.....

Daddy's Words to Gracielle

Before Gracielle left us, Daddy said to her....

Yi Ting, be brave & leave graciously.
Daddy & Mommy cannot bear to let you suffer,
That's why we let you go.
You'll find your path to heaven
And we'll meet one day.
You'll always be in our hearts
And we love you!
Goodbye Yi Ting...

7th Day Anniversary

For the past few days, we've received lots of condolences and encouraging words telling us to be strong, life goes on. Well, we just find that we can't let go. Perhaps there has never been a closure to this episode in our lives, how are we going to let go & move on? We just left Gracielle at the hospital last Friday, we don't even know how her remains were being handled.

For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot....about Gabrielle & Gracielle. Gabrielle has been showered with all the love and toys from us, but Gracielle had nothing at all, not even a hug! Except a nice, sweet name that we've given her.

I cried for my baby every day & night.... I don't think I will ever be able to let go..... but life still goes on.

Today it's 7th day anniversary of little Gracie's passing. Weather was good. We set off 3 balloons at the beach for her, hoping that she'll receive our love for her. It's never easy to let go, but we have to start somewhere, I think this does help, at least I felt calmer after that.

Gracielle, Momma looked up into the sky again tonite and there's shining star.... Was that you?

Are You There?

Dearest Gracielle,

Momma plucked the courage to look up the sky today, wondered if you are there....
Momma miss you dearly...

We Miss You!

How very softly

You tiptoed into our world

Only a moment you stayed

But what an imprint your footsteps

Have left upon our hearts

Farewell

Gracielle Tan Yi Ting left us at 1525hrs.

Another angel in heaven...

Farewell Gracielle.... Daddy, Mommy & Jie2 love you & will miss you!

The Day I Was "Dead" with Baby Gracielle

Never felt time leaps of so fast until today, how I wish time would stop for a moment to let me have my baby a little longer......

Reached the clinic @ 9am. I requested for a last ultrasound scan & prints to see Gracielle. Dr Cheng was accommodative even though he attended to me in the midst of a meeting. We were hoping for miracles after all the umpteen prayers, but it didn't happen. In fact, Gracielle stopped growing as ultrasound scan shown that she's only 16+wks when she's already 19wks.

D&E was scheduled at 3pm. Dr Cheng inserted a stronger dosage of cervagem pessary for dilation and we proceeded for admission to the hospital. Admission was slow and cramps began within 30mins. When we finally settle down in the ward, we were silent, can't stop crying.... Final dosage of cervagem pessary at 12pm & the contractions started within 15mins. Time's drawing nearer.... sadness, fear & pain got intensed.

I started bleeding @ 2pm just when the Operating Theatre crew came to pick me up. Parted with John & was pushed to the OT to face the ordeal alone. Dr Cheng came, explained the procedures again & comforted me while waiting for the OT to be ready. Anaesthetist came, checked & pushed me into the OT. Procedures were exactly similar when I was delivering Gabrielle, but the feeling was extreme!

Contractions got worst when I was transferring onto the operating table. Grabbed someone's hand & was screaming & struggling. Was it the pain of contractions or pain of losing Gracielle...perhaps....! Someone stucked a mask on my face & asked me to breathe in slowly. I cannot & was still struggling, think there were at least 4 people tyring to grab me down. Soon the gas kicked in, voices seemed to be very far away, I was unable to control my movement, felt my water bag broke, my vision grew darker and I was still screaming & crying.... Anaesthetist administered GA and then I was 'dead' with Gracielle.......

When I was 'alive', I heard Dr Cheng's voice, telling me that it's over, could hear the clanking sounds of the equipment. I couldn't open my eyes but I asked what time was my baby being taken out. He replied "1525hrs, she's in safe hands." Couldn't stop crying after that....... My baby left us....

Gracielle Tan Yi Ting - 陈奕婷

Our angel's name....

Yi [奕] : It has been decided that all our children will bear this middle name. It means healthy, vitality.

Ting [婷] : Graceful

Gracielle : We wanted something in line with peaceful, quiet. Myra & Grace/Gracie were shortlisted. Since her chinese character is graceful, we improvised Gracie to Gracielle...

Gracielle Tan Yi Ting

陈奕婷

Time Is Nearer

I had to begin dilation from today. Went back to the clinic to inserte a dosage of drugs and was told that may expect cramps & bleedings. It was a fast process and went home after that.

During my taxi ride home, I suddenly realised that time is nearer and I have began my journey of no return. Again, tears rolled down....

Baby Gracielle is leaving us in less than 24hrs time. As much as I can't bear to part with her, but I have no choice...it's too much pain for her.....Too much...

Detailed Fetal Anomaly Ultrasound Scan

This is the final scan that determines the fate of Baby 2.

The moment Dr TC Chang started the scan, it was obvious that her umbilical cord has now developed into a sac. Dr Chang detected that both her liver & intestines are in the sac. Her abdominal space was super tiny. Her shape has deformed a bit.

Another finding this time was her cardiac axis (heart) is deviated to the extreme left which means Baby 2 will need to go thru another operation if we decided to continue the pregnancy.

It's really a double blow! Both Dr Chang & Dr Cheng suggested that we talk to a paediatric surgeon to understand how extensive the corrective operations will be like. However, both their body language & expressions told us that the chances are very slim. Thought it is not necessary anymore.

John & I decided to give up Baby 2. Not because we are selfish or cowards, but we could not bare to let her suffer knife cuts at such a tender age.

Broke the new to my folks, they're extremely shocked & upset. I felt so heartpain to hurt them in this way, but have to assure them that I am okay.

Well, I have prepared for this & think that I should be okay..... I hope

CVS Results

Got CVS results today. Baby 2's chromosomes count is correct, ruled out Down's. It's a girl!

The uncertainty right now is Omphalocele. Dr Cheng did a scan at his clinic & said he could hardly see anything in the umbilical cord... Suggested a detailed scan done by Dr TC Chang, who is the expert is fetal assessment, so it'll be done on 3 Dec.

Hubby & I are much better now...

Thanks to family & friends for their prayers, support, love & help!

Special thanks to...
- Delci (EZmum), a fellow blogging mom whom I've never met her before, for your encouragements & helping me to find resources!
- Those who have cried with me during those first few days. Don't want to mention names, you know who you are!

Courage

cour·age

–noun

the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Courage to terminate the pregnancy....

Courage to give Baby2 a chance....

I don't have neither, not even the courage to think about it.

Search Yahoo! on omphalocele & saw the 1st pic of baby with abdominal sac protuding out....

No courage to look further...

Apparently, the CVS test was a high-risk procedure that may caused miscarriage. How I wish accident just happen that I don't have to go throught this ordeal!

Calm

I have been extremely calm since yesterday.

The envelope of lab test results still left unopened on the table.

Refused to read it, refused to look at the ultrasound scan.

Looked at the $70 receipt...

What a joke???!!! Spent money to hear such a devastating news!

Today is the CVS test, results will be out in 2 wks time.
I still don't feel connected with Baby2.

Think I have given up!

Or am I in a denial stage?

Results

I went for a risk assessment for fetal anomalies on Monday. It is more accurate test for screening Down's Syndrome.

Received a call from the clinic at 8.38am yesterday: "Amy, your test results are out and it shows hish risk. Dr Cheng would like to see you today to discuss about it!" I was badly strucked by this call. Cried along to journey to work, both John & I were silent. Fixed appt for 4pm, John was unable to make it. It was coincident that Daphne's appt was at 3pm, so I asked her to accompany me. Couldn't calm myself down the entire morning, negative thoughts kept flowing into my mind.

The result shown that there is a mass (could be intestines or liver) in the umbilical cord - a condition called Omphalocele. This condition may be correct at birth, in common terms, out everything back into the abdominal & sew back. Provided that there is sufficient space. However, if scans shows that baby's abdominal is not growing well, will have to terminate the pregnancy.

The reading also showed that there is a possibility of low chromosomes. My ratio is very close to the cut-off mark. Dr Cheng suggested further tests, if it's confirm that chromosomes are low, he advised a termination. Tests will be done this week and will know the results in 2 weeks' time.
Why must it be me? Just my a** luck? I was really looking forward to my 2nd trimester & people in the office already known that I am prego 2 days ago! It must be a real joke if I have to terminate the pregnancy! Somehow, I don't feel "connected" to Baby 2 the entire day. Momma Zue told me earlier today not to think of the negative, but I cannot do it.

Wept through my journey home in the bus, felt sorry for Daphne as I did not want to talk about it. She quietly accompanied me. Thanks, Sis!!! Do not intend to break the news to the folks as yet, so have to pretend to be normal at home. Luckily, when I reached home & saw Gabby I told myself I have to be stronger for Gabby. I felt calmer....

I still cannot talk about it, not even with John. I think he must be equally lost & upset. Decided to blog this down, at least I felt better......

Gracielle's 1st Check Up

Gabby was delivered by Mr W C Cheng simply because of my bicornuate uterus. We were worried that there'll be complications during my pregnancy and were confident that Mr Cheng, being the top-notch O&G. We breezed thru our pregnancy & successfully gave birth to Gabby.
This time round we kind of know what to expect based on my condition and also the fact the Mr W C Cheng is too pricey and long waiting time. We decided to switched to his son, Dr L C Cheng since been hearing good feedback about him from friends & Sis.

After a good long break of not visiting the O&G, I was a bit lost in the clinic. Hmmm... last was post-natal PAP smear after I delivered Gabby *Guilty* Forgot that I have to take my weight 1st b4 going to the reception, dunno where to take urine & blood test. Hahahaha! Took me a while to get oriented with the place

While waiting outside the doc's room, Nurse Pat recognised me! *Surprised* She even asked me if Cher Yen is my sister. When I met Dr L C Cheng his 1st qn was " Are you Cher Yen's sister?"... Okay, now I am labelled as "Cher Yen's sister" Hahaha

He asked about any significance difference btwn both preg so far and my ans was YES! Puke all the time. He said then baby could be a boy then, usually it's the opposite gender if symptoms are extreme. We discussed about my bicornuate uterus and then about natural or C-Sect delivery. It was highlighted to me that since Gabby was C-Sect delivery, I need to fulfill certain criterias strictly in order to opt for natural. Baby must not be too big, Gabby was born 3.4kg that's considered big, must be less than 3kg. My hip size must be wide enough. Still long way to go, but thinking back on Gabby's birth process, I am more or less certain that I want to go for C-Sect. Hihihihi......

Ultrasound scan was positive. Foetus is clearly visible on the left uterus. Gabby was on the right, so another worry that if my left uterus is as competent as the right side. Baby2 is now 8 wks old, 22mm, with a tiny pair of hands & legs and very strong heartbeat. EDD is 10 May 2008. John, your wish may come true!!! Dr Cheng was very positive about my condition right now, we just have to monitor closely.