The Day I Was "Dead" with Baby Gracielle

Never felt time leaps of so fast until today, how I wish time would stop for a moment to let me have my baby a little longer......

Reached the clinic @ 9am. I requested for a last ultrasound scan & prints to see Gracielle. Dr Cheng was accommodative even though he attended to me in the midst of a meeting. We were hoping for miracles after all the umpteen prayers, but it didn't happen. In fact, Gracielle stopped growing as ultrasound scan shown that she's only 16+wks when she's already 19wks.

D&E was scheduled at 3pm. Dr Cheng inserted a stronger dosage of cervagem pessary for dilation and we proceeded for admission to the hospital. Admission was slow and cramps began within 30mins. When we finally settle down in the ward, we were silent, can't stop crying.... Final dosage of cervagem pessary at 12pm & the contractions started within 15mins. Time's drawing nearer.... sadness, fear & pain got intensed.

I started bleeding @ 2pm just when the Operating Theatre crew came to pick me up. Parted with John & was pushed to the OT to face the ordeal alone. Dr Cheng came, explained the procedures again & comforted me while waiting for the OT to be ready. Anaesthetist came, checked & pushed me into the OT. Procedures were exactly similar when I was delivering Gabrielle, but the feeling was extreme!

Contractions got worst when I was transferring onto the operating table. Grabbed someone's hand & was screaming & struggling. Was it the pain of contractions or pain of losing Gracielle...perhaps....! Someone stucked a mask on my face & asked me to breathe in slowly. I cannot & was still struggling, think there were at least 4 people tyring to grab me down. Soon the gas kicked in, voices seemed to be very far away, I was unable to control my movement, felt my water bag broke, my vision grew darker and I was still screaming & crying.... Anaesthetist administered GA and then I was 'dead' with Gracielle.......

When I was 'alive', I heard Dr Cheng's voice, telling me that it's over, could hear the clanking sounds of the equipment. I couldn't open my eyes but I asked what time was my baby being taken out. He replied "1525hrs, she's in safe hands." Couldn't stop crying after that....... My baby left us....