Gabrielle Jie2's Love

Dearest Gracielle,

Gabrielle Jie2 asked Momma where were you & Momma told her that you have gone to somewhere far far away. She asked where, Momma told her that you are now the brightest star in the sky. Gabrielle Jie2 was upset about my reply and said she wanted you to be with her...

Momma also wants you to be with us too!

Momma Saw You!

Gracielle,

Momma saw your pic at the clinic yesterday. How I wish I could hold you in my arms.....

Daddy's Words to Gracielle

Before Gracielle left us, Daddy said to her....

Yi Ting, be brave & leave graciously.
Daddy & Mommy cannot bear to let you suffer,
That's why we let you go.
You'll find your path to heaven
And we'll meet one day.
You'll always be in our hearts
And we love you!
Goodbye Yi Ting...

7th Day Anniversary

For the past few days, we've received lots of condolences and encouraging words telling us to be strong, life goes on. Well, we just find that we can't let go. Perhaps there has never been a closure to this episode in our lives, how are we going to let go & move on? We just left Gracielle at the hospital last Friday, we don't even know how her remains were being handled.

For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot....about Gabrielle & Gracielle. Gabrielle has been showered with all the love and toys from us, but Gracielle had nothing at all, not even a hug! Except a nice, sweet name that we've given her.

I cried for my baby every day & night.... I don't think I will ever be able to let go..... but life still goes on.

Today it's 7th day anniversary of little Gracie's passing. Weather was good. We set off 3 balloons at the beach for her, hoping that she'll receive our love for her. It's never easy to let go, but we have to start somewhere, I think this does help, at least I felt calmer after that.

Gracielle, Momma looked up into the sky again tonite and there's shining star.... Was that you?

Are You There?

Dearest Gracielle,

Momma plucked the courage to look up the sky today, wondered if you are there....
Momma miss you dearly...

We Miss You!

How very softly

You tiptoed into our world

Only a moment you stayed

But what an imprint your footsteps

Have left upon our hearts

Farewell

Gracielle Tan Yi Ting left us at 1525hrs.

Another angel in heaven...

Farewell Gracielle.... Daddy, Mommy & Jie2 love you & will miss you!

The Day I Was "Dead" with Baby Gracielle

Never felt time leaps of so fast until today, how I wish time would stop for a moment to let me have my baby a little longer......

Reached the clinic @ 9am. I requested for a last ultrasound scan & prints to see Gracielle. Dr Cheng was accommodative even though he attended to me in the midst of a meeting. We were hoping for miracles after all the umpteen prayers, but it didn't happen. In fact, Gracielle stopped growing as ultrasound scan shown that she's only 16+wks when she's already 19wks.

D&E was scheduled at 3pm. Dr Cheng inserted a stronger dosage of cervagem pessary for dilation and we proceeded for admission to the hospital. Admission was slow and cramps began within 30mins. When we finally settle down in the ward, we were silent, can't stop crying.... Final dosage of cervagem pessary at 12pm & the contractions started within 15mins. Time's drawing nearer.... sadness, fear & pain got intensed.

I started bleeding @ 2pm just when the Operating Theatre crew came to pick me up. Parted with John & was pushed to the OT to face the ordeal alone. Dr Cheng came, explained the procedures again & comforted me while waiting for the OT to be ready. Anaesthetist came, checked & pushed me into the OT. Procedures were exactly similar when I was delivering Gabrielle, but the feeling was extreme!

Contractions got worst when I was transferring onto the operating table. Grabbed someone's hand & was screaming & struggling. Was it the pain of contractions or pain of losing Gracielle...perhaps....! Someone stucked a mask on my face & asked me to breathe in slowly. I cannot & was still struggling, think there were at least 4 people tyring to grab me down. Soon the gas kicked in, voices seemed to be very far away, I was unable to control my movement, felt my water bag broke, my vision grew darker and I was still screaming & crying.... Anaesthetist administered GA and then I was 'dead' with Gracielle.......

When I was 'alive', I heard Dr Cheng's voice, telling me that it's over, could hear the clanking sounds of the equipment. I couldn't open my eyes but I asked what time was my baby being taken out. He replied "1525hrs, she's in safe hands." Couldn't stop crying after that....... My baby left us....

Gracielle Tan Yi Ting - 陈奕婷

Our angel's name....

Yi [奕] : It has been decided that all our children will bear this middle name. It means healthy, vitality.

Ting [婷] : Graceful

Gracielle : We wanted something in line with peaceful, quiet. Myra & Grace/Gracie were shortlisted. Since her chinese character is graceful, we improvised Gracie to Gracielle...

Gracielle Tan Yi Ting

陈奕婷

Time Is Nearer

I had to begin dilation from today. Went back to the clinic to inserte a dosage of drugs and was told that may expect cramps & bleedings. It was a fast process and went home after that.

During my taxi ride home, I suddenly realised that time is nearer and I have began my journey of no return. Again, tears rolled down....

Baby Gracielle is leaving us in less than 24hrs time. As much as I can't bear to part with her, but I have no choice...it's too much pain for her.....Too much...

Detailed Fetal Anomaly Ultrasound Scan

This is the final scan that determines the fate of Baby 2.

The moment Dr TC Chang started the scan, it was obvious that her umbilical cord has now developed into a sac. Dr Chang detected that both her liver & intestines are in the sac. Her abdominal space was super tiny. Her shape has deformed a bit.

Another finding this time was her cardiac axis (heart) is deviated to the extreme left which means Baby 2 will need to go thru another operation if we decided to continue the pregnancy.

It's really a double blow! Both Dr Chang & Dr Cheng suggested that we talk to a paediatric surgeon to understand how extensive the corrective operations will be like. However, both their body language & expressions told us that the chances are very slim. Thought it is not necessary anymore.

John & I decided to give up Baby 2. Not because we are selfish or cowards, but we could not bare to let her suffer knife cuts at such a tender age.

Broke the new to my folks, they're extremely shocked & upset. I felt so heartpain to hurt them in this way, but have to assure them that I am okay.

Well, I have prepared for this & think that I should be okay..... I hope